The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves
The unexpected truth about how teenage girls see themselves
A hand-painted sign hangs on the door of a private room, declaring “GIRLS ONLY” and “Boys don’t Enter!” with a playful twist: “Don’t worry boys!” The message is adorned with bright hearts and stars. Inside, a dozen girls at DRMZ youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, are engaged in a spirited card game when I arrive. The atmosphere is lively, and a pizza order is already in the works. This visit is part of my Radio 4 series, *About The Girls*, where I spoke to approximately 150 young women, the majority of whom were aged 13 to 17. The dialogue at that table mirrored many of the conversations I had during the series.
The girls are insightful, witty, and full of energy. They speak passionately about their ambitions, such as becoming doctors, and their deep bonds with friends, expressing trust in one another. They also mention their awareness of family responsibilities, like running errands for their grandparents. The discussion shifts rapidly between the game, school experiences, social media trends, and debates over shared pizza. Despite the variety of topics, one recurring idea emerges: teenage girls often define themselves in relation to boys.
After the session, I spoke with Alison Harbor, the youth center manager. She noted the girls’ openness during the gathering. “The boys at the club are usually very vocal,” she said, “but today, the girls were equally confident in sharing their thoughts. My concern is that they often internalize their struggles…” The irony is that the girls themselves admitted their behavior changes when boys are present. They described avoiding being seen as “too much,” “too loud,” or “weird,” aiming instead to fit the mold of a “pick me” or “a beg” — someone seeking attention.
The lingering influence of gendered expectations
Girls shared how boys’ presence shapes their actions, from the way they speak to how they act in mixed groups. They mentioned feeling the need to be quieter, smaller, and more reserved in the company of boys. Teachers also described girls as “keeping their heads down” or “flying below the radar.” This pattern reflects a deeper awareness of societal pressures.
“Growing up as a girl,” said one participant, “so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating.”
As I began my research, the release of the Epstein files added urgency to the project. The theme of girls defining themselves through boys’ perspectives, despite the noise of modern movements like #MeToo and the cultural impact of Andrew Tate, seemed more significant than ever. The girls’ conversations felt like a real-life version of the Bechdel Test, a measure for films that feature at least two named women talking about something other than a man. Yet, none of my interviews met that standard.
Why this dynamic continues
They discussed the weight of gendered expectations, the role of boys in shaping school dynamics, and the idealized versions of femininity promoted online. The conversation revealed how girls learn to navigate the world while constantly adjusting to the expectations of others. It’s not just about how they act — it’s about how they perceive themselves in relation to boys, a dynamic that feels surprisingly persistent in 2025/26.
