What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
Infertility is a sensitive topic that often leads to well-meaning but unintentional remarks. The UK saw over 50,000 IVF cycles in 2023, according to the NHS, with one in seven couples facing challenges in conceiving. For many, these conversations can feel like a minefield, especially when the subject is personal and emotional.
A Painful Experience at Work
Vicky Levens, 29, from Belfast, recalls a difficult day after her third miscarriage. Returning to her receptionist job, she was met with remarks from colleagues who knew her struggle. A female manager noted she was early in her pregnancy, implying her loss was less significant, while a male manager criticized her appearance. “I was in shock,” Vicky says, adding that she eventually resigned, overwhelmed by the hurtful comments.
Well-Intended Remarks That Sting
Friends and family often offer advice or reassurance, but such statements can feel dismissive. Vicky shares how people told her “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope.” “I know they’re trying to bring comfort,” she explains, “but in the moment, I wish they’d stop saying that—it really hurts.”
Cultural Pressures and Emotional Weight
Kay, 33, from Manchester, highlights how fertility struggles can be a source of frustration in conversations. “You’re met with really poor words from people,” she says in an episode of Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life. While most comments aren’t malicious, they can come across as insensitive. Kay remembers a close friend telling her, “a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it.”
Asiya Dawood, 42, who is British-Pakistani and lives in West London, describes the added pressure in some South Asian communities. “Women who don’t conceive quickly after marriage get so many comments,” she says. Relatives often question her womanliness or blame her for prioritizing career over family. “I withdrew from friends and family,” Asiya recalls, “because I was tired of the relentless remarks. Asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness.”
Support Tips from Experts
Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, advises that support doesn’t always come from the people you’d expect. “It might be your IVF support team, not your usual circle of friends,” she says. Prince emphasizes the importance of seeking professional help, as the emotional toll of fertility treatments can be immense.
Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London, notes the emotional ups and downs of the process. “The treatment itself is a roller coaster, and then there are days when you get that period or your embryo transfer back—it becomes really difficult,” she explains. Open communication is key, she adds, even if it means confiding in unexpected people.
Small Gestures Mean a Lot
While some friends and family may not know how to offer support, small acts can make a difference. Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, shares how her network provided “incredible” help after her miscarriages. People visited her, brought food and flowers, and gifted restaurant vouchers for a break. “Even Mother’s Day, my parents and husband remembered to send me flowers,” she says.
Elena stresses that consistent efforts—like random check-ins or remembering appointments—show genuine care. “It’s not just about grand gestures,” she adds. “Sometimes, a simple message can ease the burden.” This approach, she believes, helps those navigating infertility feel less isolated in their journey.
